i just can't

>its 11:00 in my watch, still can't sleep..

it has been 1 month,2 days, 8 hrs and 30 mins since we parted ways..
everything feels so fresh, just the way it felt yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before the day before yesterday. it has been a rough month for me. seeing you so near but then again sa far from me. you seemed to be out of my reach.

i tried to reach out, drawing myself closer to you, but i guess that was not the right thing to do. i just placed myself somewhere im not supposed to be in. its hard to se myself drown, drown in the river of tears i have shed, drown in the overflowing pain that was coming from my heart. i should have never been there, i shouldn't have let that happen. i shouldn't have let myself be taken over by the intense feeling, for that intense feeling was just put to waste. i wanted to be mad, i wanted to hate, but i can't.. i just can't.. how can i hate the only nperson i have loved this deeply. yes, i was deeply inlove, and yes, i am madly inlove.

i know i should get over you, i know i should move forward, take adult steps towards freedom. freedom from the prison i have made, a prison where my feelings were the only barrier.

why can't i move on?
why can't i just let go of this feeling?
i feel so stupid! stupid enough to be willin g to get hurt over and over and over again.. :((

the moment i fell, i couldn't manage to get up when you walked into that door.
in an instant, you managed to commit a crime
~you knocked me dead
~drained the blood running through my veins
~took my breath away in just a snap
~suffocated me with your presence
~intoxicated me with your radiance
~ripped my heart off of me
~pulled the trigger to my sanity
and yet, you managed to get a way with it

i died when you left
i knew you wouldn't come back
i thought you'd be happy with what you chose
i thought it was the end for us..

you came back to my dying soul
i was furious
but a tear fell from your eye
i couldn't help biut breakdown

i was weak..the sound of your voice made me forget what you did
the sight of your face blinded me from the reality
and a touch of your hand brought me to life

i took the risk to be with you again
but it turned out to be nothing
i woke up, realizing that everything was a lie,
~my worst dream, my sweetest nightmare~
i died right then and there...
im sober but intoxicated
i'm sane but half crazy
im strong yet im weak
i may be absurd, but its beacause of that fatal element called love..

now im dying but still trying to hold on.
hold on to something that i know wouldn't be there..
i need to stand up, get myself together.. compose myself and be a better me..

for i have learned that for me to be loved, i have to love myself more than anyone could


~its the hardest thing to do~



xoxo
anj